


Monsters and Memories

by RebornFromSeas



Series: We all have monsters in our memories; some of us might be them still [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse Mentions, Angst, Caleb's Canon Backstory, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pre-Relationship, Speculation on Molly's Backstory, Spoilers up to Episode 18, Trauma Discussion, i guess, it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 17:20:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14675835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebornFromSeas/pseuds/RebornFromSeas
Summary: Mollymauk is told Caleb’s past, and uncertain on how to process all of it, reaches for memories he'd rather keep buried. They both have Memories that make them monsters.





	Monsters and Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is my first Critical Role fanfic. I'm really fascinated how both of their minds work, and I like the idea of Mollymauk exploring some dead guy's memories for context on a situation that his two years of experience as Mollymauk Tealeaf leave him lost on.

“That is… that is everything I told Nott and Beau.”  Caleb sat on the narrow cot across from Molly and finished the story.  Silence reigned the small room for a long moment, and Caleb looked up from his hands expectantly, or with trepidation.  He looked like he was preparing to take a hit if he needed to.

 

Molly, for his part, was staring. He couldn’t think about everything Caleb had told him – the academy and Ikithon and the graduation.  None of it made sense.  So, he stared at Caleb and took him in. all of him.  Every sunken, haunted, jagged bit that was dirt smudged and obscured but still let the afternoon sunlight pick out the red in his hair. Mollymauk wanted to scream that he was only two. That two years of experience wasn’t enough to know what to say, but bit his tongue because Caleb was weighed down by the memories just talking about them and looked like he’d collapse into himself.  Mollymauk stopped as that thought was smashed immediately under the realization that of course the memories would have tangible weight for Caleb – he couldn’t forget anything except his time at the asylum. 

 

Caleb sighed and went to stand – and selfishly, not wanting him to leave yet, Molly blurted out the first question that came to him, “Why me?  I mean, I haven’t bribed you with an entire library.”  He wanted to die immediately at the way his voice sounded like it was laughing.  It nearly always did, but Caleb deserved better than jokes right now, and definitely not half-assed ones that wouldn’t even make him smile. Besides, Caleb couldn’t forget, and he clearly had things he’d like to.  Did Caleb Envy and hate Molly for that?  He didn’t want to think about it, but the thoughts slipped in and clung like oil to everything else he tried to think.

 

Caleb stayed though.  He settled back onto the cot and spoke, softly as ever, “Because you’re honest when it counts, Mollymauk.”

 

A shiver shot down Molly’s spine.  He loved that Caleb used his full name like that, but he couldn’t let himself be distracted.  “Honest…. In the vein of that…” He sucked in a breath, taking it in slow and letting it out for as long as he could to sort out how to say it.  “Caleb, I don’t know what to think.  I – only have two years of very weird experiences and All I can see is that you’re very hurt by everything.  Things done to you. Things you did.  I need some time to- to even understand everything you told me. It’s too far outside of what I know; but to do that I need some time.  Feel free to stay, please.”

 

Caleb clearly didn’t want to stay, but he sighed, and sank into the cot when Molly said please.  Maybe he read the uncertainty that made his voice brittle.

 

Molly simply didn’t know why, but he was glad someone would be here.  He licked his lips, thought about Honesty, and the way that when Caleb said he was honest when it counted that sounded like a compliment, then spoke. “I don’t know where to start thinking about this. Everything you told me. But the bastard who was buried might.”  Molly reached for his divination deck and swallowed.  He closed his eyes and tried to ignore how his fingers shook and started shuffling, thinking, as he did, of everything that made him, _him_.  He took every bit of Mollymauk Tealeaf and wrapped it into the tightest little bundle he could he didn’t want to lose any of it, or for anything else to come in.  And once he had that in his mind, he drew a card and set it aside.  That was him, held back and away from the yawning emptiness inside of his mind and the memories, faint, teasing things that followed.

 

He sometimes got the memories without searching for them and hated them, and the only time he’d let them come was in a fight – sometimes – sometimes – the memories kept his skin intact a second longer by telling him what he fought, or on occasion, something about what he was because he wasn’t just a tiefling anymore.  But this?  Deliberately searching out the memories? He didn’t want to do this.  Anyone else and he wouldn’t.  But it was Caleb – beautiful Caleb with his red-brown hair and blue-blue eyes and gentle disposition like he was scared most of himself and wanted to take care of the world.  Caleb who was just as broken as Mollymauk was empty.

 

For Caleb, he let the memories come, embraced them, and his fingers kept shuffling the cards and information sank in.  First, it was the things he knew: Lucien, the charmer, winning people to his side with a smile or tricking them if that didn’t work.  He had a plan, a big one, and he needed the right people to follow him.  It wasn’t hard to get Kree – she liked him and sleeping with her once got her loyalty easily enough, not to mention a pretty pussy to pet whenever he wanted.  Others were harder but time and again he convinced them, sold them on his plan, on the cause and got them following.  His plan was grand, it would work, and once he did it… well, he’d have to clean up the evidence.

 

Mollymauk Tealeaf screamed in his mind, in the little bundle, the single card, and Screamed again until he’d taken back his mind.  He opened his eyes and saw Caleb watching him with curiosity.  It was almost too much, against the memories of what Lucien was.  No, no, it was definitely too much, and Mollymauk lunged for the bucket in the corner and emptied his stomach.

 

He felt Caleb move behind him – a hand on his shoulder and another started to gather his hair – Mollymauk puked again, and Caleb flinched.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t- you probably don’t me touching you.”

 

Molly coughed and shook his head, “The memories.  When I was under Zone of Truth… I told you they don’t feel good.  It’s fine.  Thank you for trying to help.”  He spat out the vomit clinging to his mouth and sucked in a sharp breath.  He’d lied a bit there.  Honesty when it counts. He wanted Caleb to like him so, he should say it, right?  “You’re fine but remembering being him put too much in perspective.  I’m different than he is, thank the Moonweaver.  Too different.  He – he was like Ikithon, in some ways.”  Molly stared at the bucket, afraid that if he looked at Caleb he’d see him flinch.  “Different in others, but I can… I can almost see it.  You three being young and talented.  It’d be – gods damn it, Caleb – it’d be easy to flatter the three of you into private lessons.  Keeps you from talking to anyone else.  To keep you from noticing how much you should be questioning every word I - he fed you.”

 

And then Molly felt Caleb’s hand on his shoulder again, steering him to look into those blue eyes.  “What do you mean?”

 

“I mean The guy who was buried in a shallow grave?  That’s what he did. That’s how he worked!” Molly’s voice cracked and snapped in volume then fell when he saw Caleb flinch.  He swallowed and with a bit more care, continued, “Caleb – I don’t know how to – how to say this, but he’d made it so that when he put that memory in your head?  You only had one choice and thinking around it was hard – you knew the consequences of not following it too well.  You might have made that choice, but that choice was made for you before you even had a fucking clue. So, so you’ve got a bit of guilt, but you’re not a monster, you where just broken before you knew.  Uh – also, I don’t know how to help you let go of that guilt – I just don’t, but you’ll need to or that Ikithon guy will still be controlling everything.” 

 

Molly sunk back, pressing into the foot of one of the beds and letting his eyes fall to where the Wizard’s hand still rested on his shoulder.  Warmth sank into him from that hand, and Molly nearly cried.  It wasn’t fair that Caleb was still comforting him when he’d done so little, and on top of that, he was exhausted.  Perhaps that was why all his feeling suddenly felt bigger, like they’d been a target of Enlarge and now they were tearing up his thoughts.

 

Caleb suddenly shook his shoulder.  “Mollymauk.  You didn’t have to do any of this for me.  I - I do not deserve so much trouble on my behalf.”

 

Molly shook his head, “I used to be like Ikithon, Caleb.  I used to be that monsterous, and then I lost my memories and choose to be someone else.  But I would have done it anyway, to understand.  I don’t always know enough as Mollymauk Teealeaf.  And it was – It was something I couldn’t leave alone.  But I’m tired, very tired now.”

 

Caleb hesitated, then dropped his hand – Molly immediately missed it – but Caleb wasn’t done, “Do -do you need to get to bed? Or want help?”

 

Molly closed his eyes and sighed with something like relief.  “Yes, I’d like both.”  And then he smiled at Caleb and held a hand out.

 

Together, they struggled to get Molly on his shaky feet again, and got him into bed.  Molly sank into the pillow and opened his eyes.  “Caleb, think about what I said.  You’re not as guilty as you thought, and maybe not about what you think you are, really. Take care, and thanks.”  Molly’s eyes drifted close, and in the dark he heard the door creak. He must have fallen straight to dreaming, though, because he thought for a moment there that he felt a kiss on his forehead and Caleb whispering something in Zemnian.


End file.
